I'm sure I've said it again. And again.
But I believe in convergence ...when The Universe continually sends you messages about similar yet non-related events... well? maybe you should start listening.
I've noticed many ...MANY... of my ether friends jumping on the "let's get healthy" bandwagon. With much success. Mainly weight loss. Some with exercise or activity related goals. (go you!) And I'll admit feeling much envy in the past. Particularly if I have some vague wispy thoughts about 'getting back into It'. (It=triathlon and/or swimming or biking or running)
THIS time though? Not so much.
Oh sure, I've had shimmery "dang. If I'd committed to that, I too could be thinner or more fit or [fill in the blank]." thoughts. Who doesn't when our physical selves aren't quite where we think they should or could be?!? But there's also been this deeper feeling. "Meh" might be an accurate description from the surface. And yet. And. Yet. Something more than simple indifference. Like a brain scan. Looking for ... "something".
Enter The Body Image Summit.
Which some how crossed my inbox (thank you Universe!).
I didn't participate.
But I did download all the interviews.
And yesterday afternoon, finally, I stopped stalling and listened to them.
The interviews placed much emphasis on feeling good about where you are.
And while I theoretically understand this idea, I've always always always felt it to be a sort of cop-out attitude. An "Aw Fuck It! I'm never gonna lose weight so I'm just gonna eat what I want and fuck the consequences!" mentality. (omg so judgemental. oy!)
And then one of the presenters said, and I paraphrase, that it's not about giving up, about loving your fat or the physical embodiment which you see in the mirror regardless of how it looks but about loving your capital "S" Self. The inside you. Whether you are fat. Or skinny. Healthy. Unhealthy. Strong. Weak. The INSIDE you doesn't change. And that shell, that outside, isn't YOU. Isn't Self.
My brain stopped.
Say that again?
The outside you isn't Self.
And there was a flurry of images cascading down through years.
Of the times when I felt awesome and powerful "even when" my outside was larger than I thought it SHOULD be. When I felt weak and pitiful "even when" my outside was thin and met with society's viewpoint of what sexy should be. When I still felt "not enough" when by all outward accounts I should feel all that and a bag of chips.
The outside me isn't ME.
Be still my pounding heart!
Enter Intuitive Eating.
This might be my key.
This might be my "something".
If I am spending all my time thinking about food ... what I should eat, what I shouldn't eat, how much, how little, too much protein, not enough protein, eliminate sugar, eliminate 'the whites', what's in that? how is that made? can I eat this?... then I am not thinking about other stuff. Real stuff. Like how do I FEEL. What do I want? How can I "be"? It's busy thinking. It's cleaning the bathroom when what I really need to do is art. It's self-deception ...smoke and mirrors.. keeping me focused on what isn't relevant. Or important. And here's the crux, or even fulfilling.
It's like applying a coat of paint to the outside of a crumbling house.
If the structure ain't sound? Then no amount of paint is going to help.
No. Amount. Of. Paint.
So. I'm stopping the crazy.
I'm getting off the "I need to lose [fill in the blank] pounds in order to......" bandwagon.
I am embracing joy.
I will trust that my body knows what is good for me.
I will slow down.
I will listen.